Democracy would be a wonderful system - if it weren’t for the unreliability of the voters.

The wine industry would be in a brilliant state if only the people who drink the stuff were not so annoying

• They pronounce Riesling as RICE-Ling and imagine it’s all sweet
• They don’t know whether Albariño is a grape or a region
• They stick to a stupidly small range of grape varieties
• and voluntarily drink Prosecco and Pinot Grigio
• and red wine with 18 grams/litre of residual sugar
• and wine that’s flavoured with fruit or bourbon barrels
• and ‘natural’ wine that smells and tastes of mouse
• but baulk at hard-to-pronounce grapes like Rkatsiteli.
• If they’re Chinese, they dilute fine wine with Sprite
• and wherever they are, they drink wine far too young
• or too old
• With the wrong kinds of food
• at the wrong temperature
• From the wrong kinds of glasses
• Which they hold in the wrong way.
• They’re happy to buy wine that’s ludicrously cheap
• From supermarkets and discount stores
• Or ludicrously expensive
• From merchants who are all about showing off and investment
• They’re naively impressed by heavy bottles and flashy labels
• And insufficiently interested in reading or learning about wine.

• And, now, most annoyingly of all, lots of them are deciding not to drink wine at all during January. And possibly October.

Could someone please urgently send us a new set of consumers that better fit our requirements?